


Cried Ourselves a Hurricane

by The_Hybrid



Series: Stars.are.wonderful.things!verse [8]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, But no, F/M, Poor Doctor, Sad, no killing me. you may want to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 01:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7293676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hybrid/pseuds/The_Hybrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor finds River's notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cried Ourselves a Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/gifts), [GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver/gifts).



> This is part of my Letters from River Song universe, but not the series. Prompt from GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver

She knew something was wrong. She always knew with Her Theif. She knew he had found something, something important, something dangerous, but She had no idea what it was. Theif was sat on his stairs, just sat. His thoughts seemed so far away. Further than Gallifrey. Yet there was nothing She could do. Even Her comforting murmurs did nothing to placate him. She didn't even think he heard her. His guitar sat next to him, silent. That guitar was never silent. Something was very, very wrong. 

Suddenly, Theif sighed. It was a heavy sigh, filled with grief,  filled with loss, filled with  _love?_ She knew then what was wrong, but there was nothing She could do. Even She knew there were some wounds that never healed. Never softened. Her Theif was thinking and Her Child. But what could it be? What had Theif found that made him so sad. He hadn't been like this since the Dark Times. She had thought that the Impossible Girl had fixed him. What had happened?!

*****

The Doctor sat on the stairs that led to the Wardrobe. He had his guitar next to him and a book in his hands. His coat was crumpled on the floor next to him, and he stared at the pages, not really seeing anything. 

Ever since the Ponds had gone, ever since he saw River at Darillium,  he read the last page. Every single time he read something, he read the last page, hoping against hope that something had been left there for him, but begging for nothing to be there. Even the Doctor knew he was torturing himself, but it didn't change anything. He needed something, anything, to know she knew he loved her. Her words still hurt, even though she had no idea it was him.  _And he is not in love enough, to be standing in it with me!_

He visited her in the library sometimes. He just stood there, gazing at the interfaces. CAL was no where to be seen anymore, but he figured she was just living out a life with River's team. After a couple of visits, always to the same interface, the Doctor saw a book, along with a note. It only said  _Read me_ , but it was enough. All of the books he was given were part of a series, and the first series he was given was the Harry Potters. So he read them. All of them, and he started to find the notes. Little notes from his Sweetie. He had found six before this book. Part of the  _Winged_ series, it held another note. The Doctor had figured he'd missed one, as one of his notes referenced a letter he had obviously not received yet.

It's been so long since I last wrote to you. I didn't know what to say, so I'll start off with an update. Anita is pregnant. CAL and the other kids have started to grow up. They're becoming moder by the minute. I tell them about you, you know. I tell them about everything (well, everything that's appropriate). One day I'll explain to them what happened in the library. But that's too painful for now, and I'm not even sure they'd understand.

_There's something I've been meaning to tell you. For so long now. After our last night at the towers, just a few hours before we both left, I went to England. I went to see all of your companions. You'd told me so many stories, I went looking for them to see how they were. Jumping from place to place, time to time, I was only gone an extra month. For me, anyway. I went to the camp for the fortnight before we left. Every morning I was sick. No idea why. I put it down to anxiety. I knew the only way we'd ever be split apart was if one of us died. For you to know, well that meant..._

_Anyway, in the library CAL did scans of us all. A protective measure, she's said since. A few weeks ago, I saw her put something under my study door. The door was always locked, so it was the only way she could have done it. Not that it matters. We'd all just been told Anita's news. We were so pleased._

_I went into my study the next day, and read the letter CAL had given me. It was the results of my scan. It had everything on it.  Blood pressure, immune response, hormone levels. I had very strange hormone levels, too strange to ignore. There was also one other page. A visual of my scan._

 

_I'm sorry Sweetie. I didn't know. I swear, if I did, I would've delayed the expedition. I would've told you. I promise. It's just... I wasn't there alone. It wasn't just us. I am. Was, pregnant._

_Forgive me? I wouldn't have thrown it away knowingly. Please. Sweetie. I'm so sorry._

 

But he had it now. Yet how he wished he hadn't. The Doctor sat on his steps, re-reading the same words again and again, until finally he just stopped. He didn't know when, he just stopped. The TARDIS noticed soon enough though, and she started to hum just a little louder for him. He noticed, he just didn't have the energy to respond. He could feel himself falling back into the pit he had found after they visited Manhattan, but he couldn't stop himself. The words he had read were just too bad. Too powerful. Too damaging.  _Rive_ _r_ _wa_ _s_ _pregnan_ _t._

As if he didn't already blame himself for not trying harder to save River, he now felt even worse. She had been pregnant. With his child. He could've been a father again. He could've had a reason to keep River away for just a little while longer. But he didn't think. He didn't think to scan her one last time before he left.

A silent tear fell down his face. Even his eyebrows had lost all their power. Eventually a sigh awoke him from his stupor. He didn't realise it was his, not at first, so he stood up, ready to confront whoever was there. But there was no one. Not even Bill. She had gone away a long time ago.

******

As Her Theif looked around the engine room like he didn't recognise it, She gave him a pen and a piece of paper. She knew Theif needed to write Child, but he didn't yet. She hoped this would be enough. She knew Theif would figure out how to send it to Child, he just had to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so, so sorry


End file.
